Dear Apartment Building,
Let me just start off by saying that I know it’s not all your fault. You can’t help it that when someone moves out, chaos ensues. You don’t have any control over your paper thin walls. You certainly don’t decide at what hour the “construction workers” come to demolish yet another one of your multiple inside parts. However, even with that all said, you’re not totally innocent.
It’s pretty obvious that you don’t like people living inside of you. You get angry when tenants move in because it makes you sadder when they move out. You’d rather be by yourself. You’re like an adult that survived abuse from the ages of 1-13 – you’re scared to let people in.
On the outside, you have pretty plants, flowers, lots of green. You even have a cute view of the pool that graces your courtyard. Light breezes fall over the walls of the exterior and the sunlight kisses the east side doors each morning. At times, you can even hear children playing in the alley way outside of my kitchen window. It’s really enchanting.
Then, night falls.
And shit gets weird.
It’s almost as if every night has a full moon effect, regardless of what is happening in the sky. Your walls get even thinner. Your colors get duller. People surround you that have the desire to kill tenants or to get some smack. The sounds get louder. Crying babies can’t be quieted. Neighbors get drunker. You become an uninviting, super not fun place to live.
Source for photo is hilarious/sad. Click here.
The other night, when I was yelling out my window at the family that had spent 2 hours ignoring the child screaming, “Mama!” on repeat, I thought this might not be normal. Then, when I saw that my new neighbor has pock marks on her face and no teeth in her mouth, I started to reach my limit. But, what really sent me over the edge was the dude right in front of my house carrying an AK-47 walking down my street being surrounded by cops and helicopters overhead. It was in that instance that I knew we needed to break up.
Look, it’s pretty simple. It’s nothing personal. You’re cute enough. But, you attract people that are very loud, you’ve allowed the people that run you to fully check out, and your “cheap” rent has attracted people that I would rather see meeting Johnny Law than sharing my walls.
We have to part ways. Don’t be sad. I know you love how good I smell and how often I clean you. But, I’m sure you hate that I can’t seem to remember to blow out my candles or that I stomp on the ground like a touring member of the show…well…”Stomp” when my drunk neighbor has weird, loud sex to the TV from the hours of 3am until about 8am. So, it’s just time. I have to go.
It’s been fun while it has lasted, but I’m excited to escape 115 degree summers, weird neighbors, and a generally dangerous living situation. You’re cute. You’re neighborhood and other occupants are not.
So, as they say in the movies – It’s been nice, but go f*&k yourself.
Love and kisses,
Moral of the story – Expect better. Don’t live in squalor. Punch drug dealers in the face.*
*Don’t actually do this.