I Learned Everything About Life From Kevin McCallister

Home alone is one of the all time greatest movies ever made – and not just around Christmastime.  Not only is the movie well made, but Kevin McCallister (played by the incredible McCaulay Culkin) is also an itty bitty guru.  As part of appreciating this movie, I am going to use this post to list out why Kevin McCallister is my spirit animal/mentor:

1. Uncles that do not allow children to watch R rated movies are jerks and, if your mom is on the phone, you can say so with impunity.

2. Packing a suitcase is terrible (no matter what your age) and you are the only one honest enough to express your feelings about it.

3. If your sister’s name is Megan, don’t ask her for help.  She’ll shame your 8 year old ass for being completely helpless and talk about you as if you aren’t there.

4. Successful marriages mean separate houses.

5. If your brother’s name is Buzz, he’ll probably always lie to you, including a terrifying lie about a murderer that happens to be not only your neighbor but also a free man yielding a shovel for your face.

6. Plain cheese pizzas are really the best pizzas and you’re allowed to hit your brother if he fake barfs on you.  It means you’ll get left behind when your family goes to Paris, but who cares?!  It’s France and it’s terrible.

7.  You’re right to never trust people with gold teeth.

8. Families suck.

9. Your neighbor looks so much like you, you should ultimately use this to your advantage in the future.  Steal shit and blame him, etc.

10. The basement is the scariest place in a house (and maybe the world).

11. You have the metaphysical power of creation.  As soon as you state what you want, within 24 hours, it happens.  Then, when you change your mind and want your family back, they’ll re-appear. You are a wizard.

12, Excitement of newly found freedom should include jumping on a bed in boots while eating popcorn (not as easy as it looks), screaming at nothing, going through the wildly personal belongings of your roommates/family members, judging ALL of the items, shooting shit, sledding down the stairs and running A LOT.

13. Only wimps hide under beds.

14. You’re right not to trust the police.

15. Tarantulas are only scary if you are a robber.  Otherwise, they leave you alone when let free from the hell of a cage.

16. Your dad’s careless answering machine messages may get you killed/maimed.

17. You can never be too careful with your dental hygiene.

18. Stealing might be possible, but it doesn’t feel good in the end and is, therefore, not worth it.

19. Your face will give you away – Every. Single. Time.

20. You should learn how to decorate a large, suburban home in the middle of winter alone as it just might save you a night of terrifying, stalking, angry criminals.

21. Cardboard cut outs of celebrities look like real people from behind a curtain.

22. If your brother doesn’t care if you die, you should go ahead and feel right about destroying his room and stealing his money.  He’s the worst.

23. Playing scary movie scenes from old/irrelevant movies loudly will get you out of tipping.

24. After shave is basically just putting rubbing alcohol on your body and why would you EVER do that after you have deliberately cut your skin?

25. You are more clever than the person checking you out at the grocery store if she is snarky.

26. The real Santa Claus is obviously not the guy at the mall/store/Chicago.  BUT he works for the Big Guy, so he can be a conduit for your message.

27. Church can be comforting – even if the shovel wielding murderer sits by you.

28. Holidays are time for being nice to people so you get gifts.  But, sweaters with big birds knit on them are always ALWAYS terrible.

29. Kids toys actually ARE weapons.

30. You are smarter than robbers.

31. Macaroni and Cheese is the greatest meal of all time. Of. All. Time.

32. Shoot people in the balls.

33. A hot clothing iron to the face is not deadly, but it does leave a cool scar.

34. Tree Houses are not only awesome to play in, but they also just might save your life.

35. Sarcasm is awesome.

36. Further proof you can’t trust your brother – Shovel-y Joe will save your life.  Buzz is a SUPER asshole for any indication that this dude would kill you.

37. And finally, you can forgive your family for bouncing when you asked them to.  Just make sure you use that as the reason your brother can’t yell at you for destroying all the things he likes.

Moral of the Story – Merry Christmas, Y’all.  Have yourselves a lovely holiday season by watching this cinematic masterpiece.  It’s worth it.