My McSweeny’s Submission – An Open Letter To Moms

My McSweeny’s Submission – An Open Letter To Moms

Well, I didn’t win, but I was happy to be able to submit.  McSweeny’s (an amazing website with incredible articles) had their 4th Annual Column Contest for open writing submissions.  The winner would have had a monthly column.  I’m sad to have missed it, but it was fun to challenge myself.  Anyway, here is what I submit –

An Open Letter to New Mothers from your Non-Mom Gal Pals –

 Dear New Mothers of The World –

As a New Mother of the World (NMOTW), I have a few suggestions from my wealth of knowledge as a single girl that has little to no intention of ever creating spawn (largely due to hearing mothers complain about post-baby bodies and utterings of “I wish I could push you back up there and change the due date to never” or something else equally awesome) for how your friends who are not parents can avoid hating you in the future.   Whilst this might seem selfish (cause it is), I implore you to read this with an open mind.  This, NMOTW, is a favor to you.

You see I am not one to only discuss the raging hangover I have from going out way too late the previous night.  And, I am certainly not one to discuss the fact that I cannot seem to keep a man interested long enough to remember my name.  We have so much else we can discuss!  Let us please talk about politics, religion, your hair, ANYTHING!  This is not one-sided, my friend!

I have compiled these loving suggestions into an easy-to-follow list so that you can get back to the ever life consuming job of being a parent that is, as you continue to remind me and everyone else, the greatest choice any human could ever make.  Ever.   All other choices are damned for you have the largest victory on the scorecard of life.

I write on behalf of all ladies without children but that have friends that do.  Ahem. –

  1. Suggestion – Please stop.  We love that you are excited about being a mom!  That is awesome!  Now, please stop.  For specifics, you may pick any one of these items: asking us if we are sad that we do not yet have kids, telling us about how much you miss being able to not have skin falling off of your body, telling us that someday we will fully understand the sacrifices that are required with child rearing, telling us you never felt like a “real” woman until you gave birth, reminding us that our canals are soon to dry up and we will end up having a baby with 4 eyes and horns growing out of his/her fingers if we don’t hurry up, telling us your feet/hands are weird now that you have had a child, and/or telling us about your child’s stages of development in so much detail your child should feel violated.  This is an abbreviated list of things to stop, but you hopefully can start here and amend accordingly.
  2. Suggestion – Remember becoming a parent was your choice.  While pregnancy does not come with a crystal ball to tell you if your child will sleep through the night, latch on to the teat easily and/or generally not grow up to be a serial killer, you still decided that pregnancy and parenthood were right for you and moved forward with that plan.  We cannot imagine how difficult raising a child must be (and we mean that with 100% sincerity) but we’re choosing to not do that so that we can go to the beach on a moments notice or buy a $40 t-shirt without wondering if that means our kids won’t have opportunities.   This is our choice.  Your screaming spawn is yours.
  3. Suggestion – Remember that you had interests and a life outside of kids before you had one.  Look, we get it.  Kids are a FUCK TON of work.  We. Totally. Get. It.  However, remember that you are a factor in your own life.  Children are jobs from which you never receive 2 weeks paid vacation.  Children need you for everything from wiping fecal matter off of his/her face/butt, to driving him/her to whatever practice is on the list but you can also let your child play alone while you read a book, knit, call a friend, take a shower, etc.  Self-assigned demi-god status is just an egomaniacal circle jerk and makes your friends hate you. “But Billy doesn’t have a sibling and isn’t in school, so if I don’t play with him when he’s awake, I’m a terrible parent.”  No you are not – you are sane and you still have friends.   Now, if you are enjoying this surrender of all things “you,” we assume you would have other things to discuss besides the latest kids toys are too expensive and how sad it makes you to think you used to be in a book club/running group/church group/whatever the fuck else that isn’t kid-centric before you ran out of time.
  4. Suggestion – Leave your children at home when there is an adult based activity with your friends (i.e. weddings, funerals, social gatherings of more than 4 adults).  We know you feel guilty leaving your baby at home to discover more prime numbers or defy the laws of physics (since babies are so capable), but get a babysitter and come meet your friends for an hour or two.  Now, before you argue that you simply cannot find good people, we beg to differ.  The author of this passage, for example, still babysits children, gets paid $10/hr. for this service and is not 16 or a felon.  We promise that you can find someone capable to take care of your child that will not cost you the $200 you swear it does and that won’t eat your baby while you have a precious 2 hours with your friends.  This will allow you to keep the girlfriends you have and make them not hate you.  But, just know that when we see you walking through the coffee shop door for a quick catch up and you have chosen to bring Billy, we wonder if you saw us and try to fake an illness so that we can leave and escape your choices.
  5. Suggestion – Having your child perform when we visit you is uncomfortable for everyone, so skip this for all future visits*.   Your child is not a circus clown.  He/she does not have to do tricks to make people falsely impressed.  When your child attends an age appropriate event or we come to your house to visit, your spawn does not need to dance or dress up.  We also did not come to watch your child sing off key versions of Whitney Houston ballads.  Yes, she will always love us, but this kid has no clue what she is even saying in the song, so even that does not feel good to hear.   We came to see you and, quite frankly, there was a reason why Star Search was cancelled (and those kids were good).

*That said, if your kid actually can shoot out of a cannon into the pool and/or if he/she can light his/her hair on fire, have it burn no flesh and sing the Star Spangled Banner the whole time, then ignore this suggestion and stage mom the shit out of that kid so that you make tons of money and invite us to fancy vacations with you.

End of list.

While this list of suggestions could honestly be much longer, I choose not to overwhelm you NMOTW since your children are apparently already doing that enough for you.

So, here is to love, hugs, and (hopefully) intact friendships.

Your Non-Mom Friend,

Kate

Moral of the story – I speak about what I know. “Hell on Heels”