Murder Porn
Picture this, if you will – It’s Christmas morning, coffee is brewing and the tree is still lit from the night before. Slowly, we emerge from our beds to the sound of crackling bacon and presents being shaken to see what’s inside. As we saunter to the top of the stairs to walk down together, the obvious discussion starts with, “Did Santa come?” and then progresses on to, “Which crime show are we watching after breakfast?”
My family sincerely enjoys watching real-life crime dramas. Come Hell or high water, at some point when I’m back in Ohio, I WILL be watching my Mom’s taped episodes of 48 Hours that she saved for when I got home. It’s sweet, really.
Not seen a Crime Show? I’ll enlighten you, don’t fret :). So, the shows follow basically the same few formulas – A woman got in a fight with her then-boyfriend and he killed her and hid the body, or a woman went for a run and a man drug her down the hill and murdered her and hid the body, or a woman was bartending and a man snapped her neck as she walked to her car and hid the body. Men are terrible. These shows set up what happened, go into the history of the person that got killed, and then show the one, lowly detective that took this cold case and SOLVED IT because of his hard work and dedication to “the family.” See? Men are still terrible.
South Park illustrated it best (as they do with most things) with their episode entitled “Informative Murder Porn”. Airing in October of 2013 (see how current/relevant my posts are?), this episode turned the tables on all of us that secretly hunker down in bed and turn on the latest episode of “Dateline,” “48 Hours,” “The First 48,” “Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry?” etc. I could keep going, but I’m seeming like a psychopath or (even worse) someone with a mediocre social life. Both are true, but whatever.
In this episode, the adults that live in South Park, Colorado are caught secretly watching murder mystery crime shows that are real life cases. They are becoming increasingly obsessed with the shows and are hiding away watching them together, as couples. I won’t bore you with a synopsis, but I will say that the kids had to fight the evil Cable Companies and use Minecraft to break the addiction their parents have to what is affectionately dubbed “Murder Porn”.
I can’t put my finger on the fascination of watching shows where murders are solved, but MAN do I have it. I mean, as with all things, I blame my mother. We watch Crime Shows as a family and it’s just perfection. So, it really just starts/ends with her.
What is actually terrifying is that I’m sure the Big Bad Government has put me on some sort of “Watch List” since I watch these shows mostly online (What up, YouTube?) and watch them on binges. I have seen on these shows (ironically) that when looking at the Suspect’s web search history/activity, crime shows are definitely on the list for getting “tips” on how not to be discovered, therefore making them seem more likely to have killed someone. And, it has worked more than once!! WHAT!??! So, since the government is terribly interested in me (obviously) I’m screwed if I’m ever a suspect in anything. OH, and that’s another creepy side effect of this addiction – I think I’m doing terrible things all the time and that I must get rid of my DNA. WHAT?!?! I should probably stop, but when what would I do with my family after we celebrate the birth of Christ?
Moral of the Story – These shows have made me sleep with two phones on and in my bed, the shower curtain fully open and the lights somewhat on. This isn’t good. Somebody come over here, pour bleach on everything, and fight off the crazies. Lord knows I’ve dated my fair share…men are just terrible.