My OK Crazy…

Online dating is a terrible idea.  Terrible.  Of this, I am certain.  So, I went online when I was trying to distract myself, get material for a few things I’m working on, and just to see what it’s all about.  This second fact kind of makes me a jerk, but if I ever did meet someone awesome, I’d probably say yes to more dates.  Anyway.  When you first join, you get tons of messages and lots of “star” ratings (whatever the hell that means?) and you feel like, “HELL YES!  I’m pretty and people like me.”  It’s awesome.  Then, that slows down and the crazies/dudes in jail looking for “pen pals” begin to surface.I wasn’t joking about the dudes in jail.  I’ve gotten messages from Atwater Prison. But, this isn’t about that, sorry to disappoint you.

I’ll start this with the note that I cannot take screenshots on my Droid phone because 1. It’s kind of broken since it is 2.5 years old (lame) and 2. I don’t know how to do it and all the online forums with “help” on that subject give advice that doesn’t actually work.  That said, I swear I’m not making this up.  I mean, I’m really funny and clever, but holy shit even I couldn’t have made up anything THIS awesome.

Photosource – explodingdog.com

Background – I went on ONE date with this guy because he was from South Africa and I thought that a white dude with that accent would be so cool to just listen to for an hour.  He sent me some messages that were a little forward, but since I wasn’t attracted to anything other than his potential voice, I decided I didn’t care and would go to just go.  Well, this date ended THAT way of managing my online dating life.

Mini date recap – we met at a restaurant/bar he picks, no reservations were made, I arrive, I put my name in, he is late, I keep suggesting we should get food, he ignores this and keeps drinking, he starts grabbing me AT THE BAR and tries shoving his tongue down my throat, I push him off so many times, the bartender mouths, “are you ok”, I say I have to leave after he wants to “show me his apartment”, he decides to “walk me to my car” even after my refusals, he pushes me against my car and shoves his tongue down my throat, I push my arm into his throat and tell him he needs to leave immediately.  Date over.

This photo is me showing you how he attempted to “kiss” me by jamming his tongue into my esophagus.

A normal man would assume that he messed up since the date ended with my forearm in his throat, but this guy is special.

Here are the text breakdowns from this (and, again, I’m not able to write something this amazing, so you know it’s true.  Also, all spelling/grammar/capital letters/errors in general, I kept as they appear in the text):

The day after the date –

Crazy – “I had fun last night.”

Me – No response.

Crazy – “It was a really good time.”

Me – No response.

Two days after the date –

Crazy – “Did you want to hang out again sometime this upcoming week?”

Me – No response.

Three days after the date –

Crazy – “How are you?”

Me – No response.

Four days after the date –

Two phone calls from him.  I, you guessed it, did not respond.

Five days after the date –

Crazy – “Was it because I made fun of your country music?”

Me – No response.

Six days after the date –

Crazy – 2 phones calls that I did NOT pick up.

Now seven full days after the date –

He has now called my phone 2 more times this day and I did not pick up.  But, I was getting annoyed, so I wrote the following text –

“Sorry, <name omitted to protect crazy> _______.  I just didn’t think we were that compatible. I’m sure you will find someone amazing.  You’re a good guy!” (I wrote that last sentence because nobody wants to upset the crazy, potential rapist who, thankfully, doesn’t know my exact address, but does know my neighborhood.)

Crazy – “I usually Don’t Date girls like you anyways.”

Me – “Lol.  Yeah, we certainly are not in the same league.”

Crazy – “Although. From times to time I like a girl with a little meat on her bones.”

This was his lazy attempt at an insult, and I know he’s just being a jerk, but it meant “game on, dick” in my head!

Me – “LOL! Oh, _______.  It is so sad that you are desperate enough to attempt to use generic insults.  I feel sorry for you and do hope you stop pining over me.  It’s hard to get rejected, I guess?”

Crazy – “I don’t pine over vagina.”

No, here is where Kate should have stopped playing.  But, I was getting so much material, I simply could not help myself.  Yes, ladies, these men are available and looking.  If you want his phone number, you can have it.  It’s currently blocked from my phone, but I’m happy to oblige.

Here’s the rest of my engaging the crazy –

Me – “Oh.  I didn’t realize you liked guys? So sorry for the confusion.  My intuition was right 😉 good luck in your search!”

Crazy – “I went back into the bar and took the other girl at the bar home by the way.  You had no problem when I had my tongue down your throat.” (Actually, Crazy Train, yes I did.  That’s why my forearm bruised your neck.)

Me – “LOL!  This is so amazing. Thank you for all of this new material!! You should probably start harassing that super skinny girl from the bar instead, then?  And, you should definitely stop texting the girl that is laughing at your approach right now.”

Crazy – “Fuuuuuuuuuuck you!”

Me – “No, thank you.”

Crazy – “Loose my number.”

Me – “You probably meant ‘lose’, but no problem.  I will just block it.  Good luck with online dating!”

Crazy – “So seriously.  You hate me so much?  Can’t we just be adults about it?

Me – “To hate you, I would have to care, and I don’t :).  You should figure out your anger at women, though.  I’m blocking your number now to prevent you from cursing at me again.  But, again, thank you for all of this material.  It is priceless!”

(10 seconds later) Crazy – “Who is this?”

And, I thought that was it.  I did block his number for a week or two, but deleted it assuming it was over.  Folks, I. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up!!  Cause, wait wait, there’s more!

You guessed it!

Photosource – sodahead.com

3 weeks later, I get a text from a number I don’t recognize.  As an actor, it’s hard to just ignore assumed communication on the off chance that this is someone that you would need to not be rude to and/or would have already given your card to in a business setting, so I responded.

Unknown number – “Hey Kate.”

Me – “Hello!”

Unknown number – “How are you?”

Me – I’m great!  How are you?”

Unknown number – “I’m cool.  So what are you up to tonight?”

Me (at this point, I know it’s not an acting contact because he/she would have identified any professional connection by this many texts in) – “OK.  I guess this game will continue?  With whom am I texting?”

Unknown number – “It’s _________(crazy).  This is my new number.  I thought I would give you a second chance.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why 2 of my available numbers to block for free are filled up and also why online dating is just bad.  The other ones are much longer stories and you’ve already zoned out 🙂

Moral of the Story – We picked the venue, flowers, and photographer and the date is July 5th.  You can RSVP here.