Conference Call 101

What’s that?  You have never had the joy of listening to a conference call?  You’re truly missing out.  Truly.  But, fear not!  I can summarize my latest experience and you can have a taste. 

Sitting in my office. It’s time to talk to a client about adding them onto an existing platform of news media outlets.  We need to express to them that they are different, but they are not.  This is a common problem with clients and calls – you have to lie about their granduer when you yourself do not believe it.

Another common problem is repetition.  These calls are rarely effective, and even when they are effective, they are so long, you usually forget what was covered.  This particular call is #12 in a series.  We’ll probably repeat ourselves and they will repeat themselves.  As if looking into a crystal ball, this will play out exactly.

Photo credit – rockfordman

Now, calls can’t just “happen”.  They have to be scheduled based on everyone’s availability and they certainly also must follow a particular pattern.

This call – Order of events:

1. Dial into the conference line.

2. BING – Announce name: “Kate”

3. Acknowledge the 9 other callers on the line.

4. Listen to a series of “BING” sounds as people cut in an out of the line.

5. Attempt to hear questions from people on cell phones.  Guesstimate answers based on sort of hearing the questions.

6. Listen to client explain that yes, in fact, this is the most amazing thing on the planet and it will sell itself.

7. Shake head in disagreement.

8. Stifle laughter throughout call as different “I’m not paying attention” comments are made by both parties on the phone.

9. Realize call is pointless, start looking at shoes online.

10. Agree that this was a productive call out loud while disagreeing in own head.

11. Exchange perfunctory pleasantries, salutations.

12. Hang up.

Photo credit – *¦·sindorella·¦*

Quotes from the call (remember these exact quotes or a version thereof can be heard on your calls as well – you just need to be patient) –

“Well, we can’t be addicted to all drugs.  We can only be addicted to one.  SO, let’s pick that drug and stick with it.”

“What’s all the ding ding-ing happening?”

“We are different because we are choosing to streamline the views into more specifications.”

“Whose dog keeps barking?”

“Did someone just hang up?”

“I’m getting a little nervous that you want us to help your business succeed and we can’t do that.”

“I’m scared hearing you say that.”

“I think we are creating more questions.”

I would have to agree.

Fin.

Moral of the story:  Hang up.