Frosty the Snowman – An Arian Tale of Bullies
I am currently watching, “Frosty the Snowman” to both reminisce about my childhood and to get in the “Christmas Spirit”. As I was watching this cinematic masterpiece, I was struck by a few things that I wanted to point out to you so that your experience while watching it could also be ruined.
What I learned from “Frosty The Snowman”:
1. Apparently the only children that should attend school are white with red, blonde or brown hair. No other children need apply.
2. It is perfectly acceptable to shame someone with a handlebar mustache openly and often.
3. Bullying of adults is beyond acceptable – well, unless they come once a year and give you a bunch of free shit you didn’t have to work for. In that case, be nice or you might not get your loot.
4. The voice-over actors at the time were told that sounding like children meant making your voice ridiculously high and repeating phrases that make you sound mentally handicapped over and over during group scenes. Think I’m joking? Watch the opening where they are in the schoolhouse. One kid keeps saying this phrase (or a variation thereof) – “I like snow.” We get it, Timmy, you think snow is neat. You can also say, “Snow is white. I am also white.” and sound like less of a helmet-wielding, short bus occupant.
5. The most popular girl in the school, Karen, doesn’t struggle with self confidence at all! What a rarity! When she declares she is going to put on Frosty’s head, she makes sure we know she’s awesome by stating, “The head is the most difficult part. Ask anyone!” Good for you, Karen! You should know that red headed co-star of yours is looking up your skirt, but yeah for you!
6. Popular people shaming the dumb/quiet kids is mandatory. When ‘lil slow boy suggests they name the snowman, “Oatmeal” they act like he just said, “Shovel toting henchman of the devil” Yeah, ok Karen, let’s stop the show and make sure you declare that “Frosty” is logical, but “Oatmeal” is disgustingly bad. Stupid bitch.
Photosource: nypost.com
7. Breaking out into a song you didn’t pre-plan about the name of the snowman you just made up is totally acceptable and no one marvels at the skill that takes. Also, it’s not weird.
8. To know what people are evil in the world, besides having a mustache, this person’s skin will be an oh-so-believable light green.
9. Animal abuse is totally acceptable if the animal is smarter than you and/or you get annoyed with it.
10. Jimmy Durante wants us all to think he’s a grease monkey from the Bronx. He also wants us to know that the hat that WAS the Magician’s now rightfully belongs to the kids and the fake, talking, ball of snow with a name and feelings.
11. Being an obese smoker is perfectly acceptable if you are also made of snow.
12. Once children make up a song, they never, ever stop singing it whenever there isn’t something to immediately talk about. This isn’t annoying. At all.
Photosource: pbskids.org
13. There are more red headed people that on the planet than any other hair color. Misleading.
14. The train station attendant is bored as shit. Don’t ask him any questions. He is also cheap.
15. Stealing rides on trains is ok as long as you don’t get caught. To ensure your safety, make sure you end up in the windowless car with all of the ice cream and candy. Oh, and I got a puppy in my van with no windows either. Are we supposed to learn from this movie to say yes to pedophiles? How did this movie ever air?!?!? Moving on.
16. You can do anything you want as a kid (including theft) as long as you’re home for supper.
17. The temperamental rabbit has a hard on for men in power.
Photosource: sodahead.com
18. Suicide is perfectly acceptable act of love for the hot, popular girl to know you’re serious.
19. Never get stuck somewhere with the hot, popular girl if the way out is opening a door. She won’t be able to figure it out and you will die.
20. Don’t steal from garbage cans if what is thrown away has potential magical powers. You will end up dead only to come back as an upcoming season. Or a sequel to the movie of your life.
21. Santa is a manipulative asshole. (Kind of – I love you Santa)
Photosource: 10zenmonkeys.com
22. There are no consequences if you kill someone. The worst punishment will be new toys and having to write a bunch of shit over and over.
23. Yeah, there are no consequences.
I’ll give props where they are due – The name “Hocus Pocus” for the Magicians’ rabbit is pretty rad. Kids like this movie and I liked it too before I knew what was really going on. Whatever. It was the 50’s. Women had only been legally allowed to vote for 30 years at this point. Can’t judge them too much. But I am and I will….
