Big TV

I’m addicted to shows about addiction.  Shut it right up if you’re not sure why or don’t know what I’m talking about.   I don’t want a damn intervention, I want other addicts in my corner.   For the record, it’s not my fault.  Every network is literally FLOODING our TV schedules with shows of people either addicted to food,  to some sort of drug, to puppies, etc.  And THEY. ARE. ALL. FASCINATING.  Shows like “Intervention,” “Hoarders,” “Extreme Couponing,” “Too Fat For Fifteen,” DAMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNN THEMMMMMMM ALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

I just discovered “600 Pound Mom” on OWN.  I don’t have cable, so I surf like a fiend on other peoples’ televisions.   In the midst of surfing, I landed in hell.  “600 Pound Mom” is about puppies and the saving of soda pop can tops.  No, that’s not anything close to the truth.  This show is actually about this Hatian Mom who lives in Florida now.  She is over 600 pounds (a detail cleverly disguised in the title) and has a family of daughters that wildly enable her food addiction to continue (meaning, she is too big to walk, so they bring her the drug of choice – fried everything).  However, she wants to lose the weight.  In order to get the lap band surgery, Hatian Mom has to lose weight or it is too dangerous to operate on her.  That seems improbable.  Just kidding.  Anyway, it shows an interventionist come in and teach her how to do little exercises (like raising her arms) to burn calories.  She sneaks food, her kids eat fried food in front of her, etc.  It’s exactly what you think – she’s yo-yo’ing and we don’t know if she’ll ever get the surgery.

Spoiler alert – I don’t have cable so I have no f’ing clue what ended up happening to her.  As a result, I’ll write the ending based on my previous experience with these types of shows (and if you watched the show and know, tell me):

Fade in to exterior shot of the house

Background sounds of girls giving mom food, mom crying, etc.

(Cut to Interventionist) Interventionist is annoyed that Hatian Mama is not playing by the rules.

(Cut to Hatian Mom) She yells that she’s not breaking the rules.  Interventionist shakes head in disappointment.

She cries and gives in.

Hatian Mom gets the surgery.

Hatian Mom loses weight.  She then decides she’s done with it, gains it all back, and we’re a sad audience for seeing actual human beings on TV and not manufactured robots of thinness.

It’s a show on OWN, therefore it gets renewed.

FIN.

Addiction shows have the best format – 49.5 minutes of build up with back story, excuses, etc.  This gets to the point where we (the audience) are so desperate for ANY resolution by the time the show is over, we don’t even care if they fall back into it.  I used to get so depressed watching shows like, “Intervention” that my former roommate told me I was not allowed to record them anymore unless I just skipped to the end to see if they lived or not.  I gotta say, that was a lot less fulfilling but WAY less depressing.

I think both the voyeuristic and incredibly human elements are what attract me to these shows.  Plus, addictive behavior is massively consuming.  The surrender that takes?  Sheesh.  And also, the goddamn build up.  When that goes away, I care a whole hell of a lot less.  Stupid TV people knowing what makes things interesting…. Dumb. Dirty. Dumb.

Oh, and if you haven’t seen “Addicted to Food” on OWN yet, don’t even start it unless you don’t value sanity or a social life.  I have watched the same episode now 3 times (because it’s what’s on when I babysit) and I STILL cannot stop.   I’m not going to waste time telling you what it’s about – you can figure it out.

Moral of the Story – I work for OWN.