Wedding Season
Getting back from the wedding of a good friend that I went to high school with left me happy, calm and no closer to feeling like marriage is something that seems really fun. Don’t get me wrong – my friend seemed so genuinely happy she could barely stand it – but it was a lot of work and while I was there, another friend (who got married very young) spent the entire time talking to me about how she was leaving her husband, she got married too soon, she is unhappy, etc. etc. etc. I left thinking, “Huh. Seems like marriage just made you much more self involved and massively unfulfilled…” (No, I didn’t say that)
Married people – are you guys happy? Yes, the wedding was most likely bomb, but the marriage? Is it better than not being married? My friends that are divorced rarely say they want to do it over again.
Who knows what is really scary about marriage? I assume just the people in one? Really if I had friends that seemed genuinely thrilled to be married and didn’t spend most of the time talking about spouses in a, “He/She’s really annoying when…” or “Marriage is just a lot of work…”, then I’d probably be all about it. But, I can’t really think of a couple in my life that is really, really pumped to be married. Look, we all get annoyed with people we love all the time, but we get to go home, decompress, and build up the tolerance it takes to deal with them the next day. Plus, we get pissy ourselves. Everyone can support the assertion that I am NOT a party when I wake up in the morning. Give me less than 8 hours of sleep, and I’m downright heinous. No one should have to deal with that and, to be frank, I’m not trying to deal with anyone else at that time of day anyway.
But, if I have a husband, he’s about to have to deal with that side of me and I’m about to NEVER get a break from him. Good marriages seem to be founded on separate homes. Think I’m joking? Read up on a couple doing that here! Doesn’t that kind of make it sound awesome? No, raising kids with two different homes is not smart (probably) and the financial insanity of two incomes, but two separate lives, seems laughable. But, there seems to be something to the idea that living together and having to completely change everything you enjoyed (like the bed to yourself) isn’t fun? I swear I’m not bitter (my parents are still together and I am happy) I just don’t know good arguments for the institution as we define it.
Ehow.com (where this photo comes from) mentions wives being in subjection to their husbands and tells the man to help raise kids at times because it’s a nice reminder for the woman that you’re supportive. Subjection? Reminder?! SOMETIMES?!?! Yeah – I’m out.
Wikipedia makes marriage sound like a freaking BLAST. They define it this way: “Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found.” So, basically, you can now spread your seed without the social stigma of a child out of wedlock (yes, they added the word “lock” to that judgment) but it is still an institution. There’s a fun word.
Ultimately, I want to throw myself a party where I celebrate everyone in my life, enjoy loads of amazing food and have dancing to a DJ that is slightly overweight but that DOES have “Baby Got Back” and “Friends in Low Places” that he or she can simultaneously (and seamlessly) transition to back and forth throughout the night. Is a party like this even possible? It’s so narcissistic, but honestly, I just want to get all of my friends in a room together and not have it either be a wedding or a funeral. Plus, my party wouldn’t require uncomfortable clothes and gifts. Just show up!
I’m not saying it’s not possible to have a happy marriage, I just don’t know people that are SO thrilled about it, they would recommend it. Minus the fear of dying alone, if there’s a great argument for it, y’all married folk ain’t sayin’ it!
Oh, and may I say, the same goes for kids. Parents – Y’all aren’t really endorsing that either.
Moral of the story – HE’S MINE! DOESN’T THIS BABY LOOK LIKE HIM?! I’M SO OBEDIENT!! I’LL MAKE DINNER!! Ew.
6 Replies to “Wedding Season”
K, you have voiced a lot of the things I felt before getting married. Living alone? Seems like a lot more fun than working around someone else’s messes, weird habits and schedule. Having arguments about what kind of toilet paper to buy? Pass. Potentially subjecting my heart to pain? No thanks.
Then I got into a relationship that changed my life. Before him, I thought all those “ain’t no mountain high enough” love songs were total bullshit. I had decided that I was supposed to be single the rest of my life, which was fine with me. Then I started dating one of my closest friends and I realized something: it’s not all about me. I can live my life serving my own interests and desires, or I can live to make someone else’s day and be blessed in return. I turns out, I was with a man who wanted to put me first, and i was trying to put him first at the same time. In that equation, both people win.
I think where a lot of relationships go wrong is the lopsidedness of that equation – I’m not happy, it’s your fault, serve me dammit! People stop talking to each other, or they think you’re supposed to never fall out of love and that marriage is supposed to be 24/7 roses and champagne. It isn’t. Big surprise to anyone who’s ever seen their parents argue, right?
But would I rather go through some rough patches and argue about the toilet paper if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me a better person? Hell yeah. I think we’re made to love and be loved, pure and simple. So where I used to think that didn’t apply to me, God had other plans. Was it scary to move in together and not be by myself when I wanted to? Yeah. Do I have bitchy female moments that I wish he didn’t see? Yeah. But there’s good stuff too, and it’s worth way more than the bad. To sound totally cliche, it’s about teamwork – I’m not some obedient Stepford wife. He makes dinner more than I do, and I pay the bills. We try to help each other out as much as possible, like any good relationship.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, even some of the people married right now. But it’s a leap of faith, just like a lot of things in life. I had to put a lot of my own selfishness aside, but I also got to preserve a lot of “me” stuff because I’m with a guy who doesn’t ask me to become someone else to be with him. Whether you get married or not, I hope you find that kind of relationship (heck, you may be in it right now).
P.S. – having kids still scares the shit out of me.
P.P.S. – I want to come to your party.
P.P.P.S. – nice photo at the top 🙂
Liz – This is so beautifully written and so wonderfully kind and vulnerable. Thank you SO much for sharing this. Kind of makes me look at things a tad differently… Love you!!
So, yeah, I don’t think Marriage is the end all to be all. And I’m happily married. Very Happily Married. I was also happy with the husband before we were married. I was just as happy being his live-in girlfriend that gave birth to his child out of wedlock.
Want to know what finally pushed me over the edge into thinking the whole marriage thing was a good idea? It was the Institution thing. No, really. It was. I realized that just because Jason and I had given each other our hearts and traded saliva and other fun bodily fluids didn’t mean the government would care if something happened to one of us.
And something DID almost happen to Jason. The day after Christmas, 2009 he flipped his work truck. As in flipped it over. On the right hand side. And he was driving on the right hand side. And there was no door. And he was ejected. You know what saved his life? A tree. A well placed tree.
God forbid if something had happened to him that day the government and Jason’s company wouldn’t have cared that we were “hitched” in our minds and I would have gotten very little “help.” But now that we’re married, if he gets stupid and ejects himself out of a vehicle again and there’s no tree, then
we’re good.
I’ll get his life insurance policy, which probably wouldn’t help me much, but in the world of raising children… it would be more help than I’d have gotten otherwise.
What? This doesn’t talk you into getting married? Uhhhh, hmmmm, I’ll work on that.
P.S. I have 2 kids and they scare the shit out of me everyday.
P.P.S. I want to come to your party too.
P.P.P.S. I personally like the photo of the lions. 😉
Thank you for being so honest, Melanie. And, I’m actually glad to hear that your kids scare you each day because just the THOUGHT of breeding little me’s scares the brain out of my skull.
Love you!
First of all, you do have at least ONE friend who loves being married – I do! I regret never expressing to you how glad I am to be married to Ryan. I love my husband and am so glad that God brought us together, even at the early age of 21!
Now, more than all the love stuff, I believe that the purpose of marriage is meant for SO MUCH more than ourselves. It isn’t about us. So the beginning of all I’m about to say starts with God and his intention and plan for marriage and my perspective comes through Him. I’ve grown and learned so much by having Ryan in my life. I see the good and the bad about myself. I get to be unselfish everyday and serve someone besides myself (which we all naturally do). I get to be loved and give love and KNOW that he will be there with me the rest of my life. I made that committment on the day we got married that I’d be with him for good – the fact that I am committed to him for life makes it even more rich and worth putting any hard work into it thats needed! And all of these things (the unselfishness, the love, the committment, the serving) all glorify the Lord and his purpose for marriage. Marriage, the way it was intended to be, is the perfect picture of Jesus’ love for us. He’s the bridegroom and we’re the bride – He GAVE HIMSELF UP for us! And if marriage is entered into with the goal of serving/loving/respecting each other, we are honoring and glorifying God immensely! And glorifying God is our whole purpose here on earth. Through this whole process, we get the benefit of a companion, lover, helper, friend, roommate, encourager, etc. I believe I’m a better person for having married Ryan and he for marrying me because we have helped grow each other.
Marriage is about so much more than silly arguments about menial living situation issues – THOSE are the easy things to get past. Though it isn’t all roses, its worth any work that you have to put into it. Its about compromising and learning about each other. And its fun – you always have a friend to play games with, watch tv/movies with, sleep with, cuddle with, eat with, clean with, buy a house with, cry with, laugh with, etc, etc, etc.
Also, for me, I can’t imagine being alone when I’m older or not having kids (and their kids) to fill my life!
About kids…they are my ministry! My goal and prayer with my children is simply and overwhelmingly (both at the same time) to teach them to love Jesus more than anything else. Its not about having the cutest clothes for them, the best school, the best friends, the best manners…its about teaching them to love God! I do my part in training them and then I leave it to the Lord to grow them into who they are to be. Its so freeing to know Ry and I don’t have to do it on our own!
ALL OF THIS TO SAY, marriage is not for everyone! God’s got different plans for each person and there are plenty of people that he intends to have single. And they are able to glorify him just as much as a married person! So if this is you, thats wonderful, but don’t make the decision based on the bad you’ve seen or heard out there. Fallible individuals can sometimes be very bad examples of the wonderful intention God has for marriage!
Thank you, Lita!! I LOVED reading what you wrote. And, I am SO happy that you are a wife and mother. What a blessing to watch you develop such bright spirits in your children and watch you and Ryan put more positive little people into the world. I wish all parents could be as tuned in as you two! Love to the entire Holman/Hitchcock family 🙂